Patience & arriving at a compromise.

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As you are already aware I have been unwell now for some time and having difficulty bouncing back.  Having used all the normal methods & practices through my recovery, I will admit to being frustrated at still feeling unwell and to me so pathetic.

I was not able to get out of bed and attempting a couple of steps was too much for my body as the condition did not allow my heart to function properly.  Okay, I get that bit but what I couldn’t quite accept was that I’ve been doing all the right things, taking everything that’s prescribed, sleeping for England, eating little and often and above all holding onto my positivity yet still nothing was improving.

Frustration hit.  Last week, I found myself believing I had changed   into a pathetic feeble individual who had somehow climbed into a body of a 99 year old, although that said there are some spritely examples of those who would currently put me to shame.

I decided enough was enough; this had to end as I had to recover the real me.  I got dressed and made my way downstairs bearing in mind it was midday by now. I had decided to decorate the Christmas tree, everything was put out for me, how could it be difficult? I had put a couple of baubles onto it and I was light headed, the pain became much worse and to breathe was agony.  As I sat down my body was totally exhausted!! You can imagine how pathetic I felt at this stage looking at the tree reminding me I hadn’t managed that simple task. A few days were like this, the tree gradually looking a little more decorated. What I didn’t realise that I was actually my own worst enemy.

It was now another doctor’s appointment and more test results: I could not continue like this so I had to admit that I have become a weak feeble individual.  I don’t feel emotionally low as I’m determined to get better but every breath I take is so painful.  Although I have a high pain threshold my body is totally exhausted due to lack of sleep. If only there was a way I needn’t breathe  for an hour to allow it to rest and to recharge, then I’m sure I would be stronger.

My doctor laughed kindly with me then proceeded to explain the following with an analogy in an empathetic non patronising way. He told me how ill I had been, not yet fully recovered etc and despite all positivity I began this illness with a body that had already endured two strokes, Addison’s and other complications.  I could not expect my body to jump back to full health as if an athlete had been affected by it. He gave me an example of someone who he knew when he was at med school who had pericarditis, as I have, was in hospital for many weeks and still unwell many weeks afterwards.   Yet prior to that he had been extremely fit and healthy. It illustrated that I was not pathetic but equally I was beating myself up and not being fair on myself or even giving myself a chance.

Admittedly  pain relief has  been increased again but I have FINALLY achieved patience, changed my mind set towards myself  and what I can and cannot do at the moment.

This is huge for me, but for this year only I cannot get out and buy Christmas cards and then take hours and hours with my left hand to write them.  I simply cannot do it!  Instead, when I am able I will write and explain.  In my mind I will think of these people along with others and wish them a Merry Christmas & Happy New Year.  And I shall keep practising compromise and compassion at last, for myself and my recovery.

Thank you all for your patience over these weeks whilst I have not been able to write at all, it is appreciated.

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