Double emotions

 

Despite attempting to prepare myself for my son’s Henry departure to university, i.e. giving myself pep talks of how it is a new chapter in his life, I must be excited and positive etc. not upset and miserable emotions are taking a hold. I fear that since stroke I am more easily tearful despite the described efforts. The day of departure is looming and so sadly are the blooming tears. Great attempts to mask it, I take on the role of organising all the things he needs to have. Coordinating the list of required items with his chosen colour. This certainly allowed me to feel involved and be part of this new adventure, so much so Henry asked jokingly if I wanted to get rid of him?! But suddenly this too has come to an abrupt end.

The time has arrived for the car to be packed to the gunnels and my little boy, he will hate me saying that, leaving home for his exciting new beginning. The house will be empty, no longer the noise and fun of teenagers in and out and the spontaneity that goes with sudden decisions and plans of teenage life. Instead the huge reminder that due to stroke I can no longer drive, so much to Henry’s joy I cannot suddenly jump in the car and go and visit. Make a stock of home cooked meals and take along.

Instead it serves as a reminder of my limitations. I am obviously delighted for him for all that is ahead of him but selfishly I miss him already, and I am tearful because stroke does not allow me to be ‘stiff upper lipped’ any longer. I feel sad at missing him so my eyes display those feelings!! I am excited for him and I am looking forward to seeing his room in halls but I equally know I will have to be prized away when the time comes and the journey home will be a tearful one which is ridiculous and selfish.

Selfish to be upset when someone you love is doing what they want to do, so why when I have conquered so much since my stroke have I not yet won this emotional one?!! I am the extreme on both accounts of my former self, I cry at films I previously would not have cried, equally situations I would have had sympathy for a great deal of time I no longer do. I still listen and sympathise but my attitude now is if you don’t like it do something about it, quite hard black and white really.

I feel you can only complain for so long but at the end of the day we, ourselves, are the only ones who can truly change and therefore change how we feel. So that said no more tissues, no more tears, pull myself together and here’s to a fun time and hopefully a good degree for Henry.

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