50 Shades of Truth

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The refreshing truth, even if it isn’t what we want to hear, we have to admit that the truth is always best. Having been unwell really, by that I mean more than usual, for just over twelve months now and showing signs of deteriorating further, my cardiologist brought my appointment forward by two months. Friday was the new date, I went along with Nick and feeling as I have of late I didn’t really identify anything any different. Once my blood pressure had been taken a couple of times, the usual conversation out of ear shot, I was told to lie down and not move. The ECG machine would be brought to me. You can imagine at that point I was praying silently not to be kept in. All the staff were so lovely, I only wish they were reading this, to thank them once again.

I was asked if I would be alright to manage to walk next door with help, to see the cardiologist or if I required more assistance, truly most kind. me  being me, determined to show all was well and I would be off home in a few minutes, declined all help politely. Also in all honesty I didn’t feel anywhere near as unwell as I had when out with a friend in Bromyard this week, or even at her home on Monday. I was quite surprised but also flattered at their fussing.

Once inside, we both sat down having been greeted individually. This is where things were explained at length, thoroughly and honestly. Refreshingly honest that we both left after about an hour quite shell shocked. Initially we were both quite quiet, yes ME quiet! I didn’t ask Nick directly about his immediate thoughts. He has since told me his understanding is exactly as mine, but mine was a mixture of admiration for his time and honesty, coupled with it really is now ‘over to me’ whether I continue to go downhill, and my health deteriorates continually until?? Or I damn well step in and try harder. This bit came as a bit of a shock to me, someone who has continually tried, even been told to stop for the time being as I am making things worse, now I have the green card to get started again. Yes I will feel ill, yes it has to be small chunks twice a day, sleep rest in between but medically they cannot help me anymore they can’t do anything else for me, regarding my heart. I have ill health, this is what happens to my blood pressure and my body, my only way forward now is to build up some muscle, and see if my body with the help of muscle can somehow step in and help to work with all this medication and stabilise things. The ball really is in my court.

Regarding the other situations I have to return to a stroke specialist, and that as they say, is another story. You know me well enough by now, that I always like to find the positive in every situation somehow. This I will admit has become, ever more difficult the past few weeks, as I haven’t had any real sleep for longer than I can remember. So the mental fog we all struggle with has worsened, along with the amount of things health wise I have to lie to myself and the world about, to mask, hide, put on a big brave smile and hide. I even one day this week, replied to one person with the truth!! No I don’t feel well, I have a lot on my mind at the moment, not me at all but lack of sleep means you lose the ability to function as normal, I have felt rather like the walking dead. Then, I have now had, two nights with a tiny few hours’ sleep and there is a little bit of me returning, yes I’m still here! This to those of you, who have fortunately not had a stroke may sound like ‘double Dutch’, I choose however to mention it now because I hope it may be of some help?

What I am saying I suppose, is I believed I was still putting the effort in, doing the right things to improve, yet this hour of honesty not only spelt it out to me but to Nick too. I was on that slippery slope again, my health getting so much worse, I had taken my eye off the ball, yet I believed it was game set match to me.

So Friday, although tough to swallow is a new chapter, a positive one, I need to rest more again in the day and build that muscle, if I fail and am carted off to hospital again, for this situation, it is because I have failed, no one else.

 

One Response to “50 Shades of Truth

  • Sas, you have never and are not failing your self or anyone. You are amazing…remember that.

    Alan x

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